Everything I Want

For some time now, I’ve felt like I've had a million thoughts, questions, and wonderings swirling around in my head…and some days it's just so tiresome trying to sort them all out. I think it's a combination of personal struggles, friends' losses and griefs, sermons at church and personal Bible study. . . all of these give me such food for thought--so much so that I literally feel like I am just knawing them to the bone . . .

Today at church the sermon was about Jacob wrestling with God, and how we spend much of our lives wrestling with God ourselves over our spiritual questions and doubts . . . it was encouraging to know I'm not alone in this, in the asking of questions. My parents have often told stories of me when I was a child and how I would always ask "Why? But why?" I know that this is a common question among little ones all over the world as they seek to explore and figure out just what makes this world turn . . . I witness it every day with Jack, even though the only word he can actually verbalize is "Uh-oh." (I'm sure I could write a whole other post about all the times my heart has cried, "Uh-oh!")

But somehow as I thought about myself this week I realized that I am still asking that same question . . . "But why?" . . . and it makes me feel like a child all over again. Would someone please give me a reason? An explanation of life's trials and sufferings and the purpose behind it all? I know that many of my "why" questions may not be answered in the time frame that I would like (such as NOW!), and most of them may never be answered in this lifetime. Does anyone else find that frustrating?

I'm currently doing Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible study with a group of women at my church. It's my second time through this particular study, and it is amazing to see what I have learned since last year, and what I have yet to learn! This week I read a lesson on unbelief; I remember being astounded last time at the vastness of my unbelief, and how my prayer all through the study became that of the father in Mark 9 who says to Jesus, "Lord, help me overcome my unbelief!" As I read this lesson for the second time I was encouraged at how my belief has grown, and yet also surprised to find well-hidden places in my heart that are still filled with unbelief and mistrust. This man's request of Jesus has once again become my prayer, especially as I struggle to believe and trust in the midst of all my unanswered "why's."

Also at church today, the communion service began with a beautiful rendition of Fernando Ortega's "Give Me Jesus" (sung by my wonderful husband--have to mention that!). I was so moved at the simplicity of this song--the lyrics and the music itself--because this is one thing that I am learning more and more each day: when life gets overwhelmed by despair, or doubt, or grief, or confusion, or whatever may be our personal struggle, sometimes all I can do is cry out those words, “In the morning when I rise, give me Jesus! When I am alone, give me Jesus! When I come to die, give me Jesus! You can have all this world, but give me Jesus!” It’s so simple, isn’t it?

I had a rough afternoon for a number of reasons, but I was immensely encouraged by my loving husband who reminded me of many truths that I am struggling to find in my heart. As I left for the grocery store after our conversation, I turned on one of my praise CD's in the car, and songs I’ve heard a million times swept over me like fresh rain… Speechless (Steven Curtis Chapman), Cry Out to Jesus (Third Day), Calmer of the Storm (Downhere), Be Still and Know that I am God (SCC), and of course Give Me Jesus…I was amazed at how these lyrics spoke to me all over again of God’s love and faithfulness . . .

Lastly, (I hope someone is still reading this) as I listened to the following song I found myself longing for this to be my song, my prayer . . . I thought I’d share the lyrics that stirred my heart so deeply . . . may you be equally encouraged and inspired!

Magnificent Obsession—Steven Curtis Chapman

Lord, You know how much
I want to know so much
In the way of answers and explanations
I have cried and prayed
And still I seem to stay
In the middle of life’s complications
All this pursuing leaves me feeling like
I’m chasing down the wind
But now it’s brought me back to You
And I can see again

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

So capture my heart again
Take me to depths I’ve never been
Into the riches of Your grace and Your mercy
Return me to the cross
And let me be completely lost
In the wonder of the love
That You’ve shown me
Cut through these chains that tie me down
To so many lesser things
Let all my dreams fall to the ground
Until this one remains

This is everything I want
This is everything I need
I want this to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You, Jesus
Be my magnificent obsession

You are everything I want
And You are everything I need
Lord, You are all my heart desires
You are everything to me

You are everything I want
You are everything I need
I want You to be my one consuming passion
Everything my heart desires
Lord, I want it all to be for You
I want it all to be for You, Jesus

Be my magnificent obsession...