I wonder if God ever feels like crying

Today was a really frustrating day. I found myself short with the kids and easily exasperated. Granted, I am still low on sleep these days, and the kids (and Eric) are sick and so once again we are up multiple times during the night. So I know that being tired and exhausted is a set-up for being short-tempered and impatient.

But what really got to me today was the exhaustion of teaching my kids...and their seeming unwillingness...inability...to learn. How many times will it take before my kids learn that it's not okay to hit each other? Or push their sister down? Or to come when I call them? Or to ask politely for something rather than just demanding it? How many spankings later will it dawn on them...Oh, so THIS is what Mom meant about not hitting...

Grrrr. As the annoyed attitude set in and the thought, "I'm so tired of saying this only to have them do it again" crossed my mind, I just wanted to scream with frustration. I feel like the mom in all the Dobson books who can be seen escalating in her volume and irritation and who finally blows her top and, yelling not-thought-out things at her kids, sends the snickering, unfazed kids to their rooms... It's so easy to see the fault in the situation when reading it in the parenting book. I can spot her errors and see where she went wrong. But when it's me? Not so easy...I find myself having to step back or walk away, collect myself, reexamine the situation and cool down...and often I have to look at my child's behavior and attempt to trace it back to an earlier incident (no nap, not enough attention from me, poor lunch, disappointment over being told no, etc.) and take that into account for their current behavior.

But sometimes...I just can't figure them out. For example, Jack has been really pushy with Samantha lately. He will NOT share his toys with her at all, in fact he is really bothered if she has ANY toy besides her baby toys. So when it's just the two of them awake, he drives me crazy by taking everything away from her that she tries to play with. In addition to that, he likes to push her down when she pulls up on the couch. I don't know if it's some kind of jealousy issue, or if he's just learning to play with a baby again, but I feel like all I've said to him the past few days is, "Do not push your sister down. Please don't take toys away from Samantha." We talk about how it might hurt her, or how it's not very kind to take toys away from someone else while they're playing, etc. But then he's back to his antics shortly after.

These parenting frustrations remind me that I am so very human, when I get exhausted with this repetitive misbehavior and I just want to quit. Or apply for a mental health day. I'm so thankful that God doesn't quit on me or lose his cool or get so exasperated that he yells at me unkindly when I repeatedly disobey, and don't learn my lessons as quick as I wish I did. How I need his gracious patience these days!

We're also going a bit stir-crazy in our house these winter days. I can't always let Jack play with the toys or puzzles that he wants to because of the small pieces that are a hazard to Samantha. And I can't always let him and Ellie do the same craft project because Ellie will paint herself, the walls, the piano, and her baby sister before she'll paint on paper. In fact, I tried to let them paint the other day and Ellie twice took the bowl of rinsing water and poured it onto her painting pad.

Ellie is a whole other issue, probably worth another entire post. Boy, does this child have a strong will! Lately we are working on speaking respectfully to Mommy and Daddy...she is really pushing the limits. When I tell her that it's time for her nap (after usually giving her some warning a few minutes before) she says in her most sassy voice, "NO, Mommy: TWO MINUTES." Ooooooh. And when I remind her that she needs to obey, she still has that drag-my-feet-like-molasses syndrome going. I feel strongly that it is important to teach respect at this point...not to let her disrespectful treatment of me and Eric go or to laugh it off (although there are days it's hard not to laugh...other days like today, I want to cry!). But we didn't deal with this type of disrespect with Jack; he would disobey, yes, and had a stubbornness in him, yes, but not this level that we're seeing come out in Ellie! Holy cow.

Do you ever just feel like you second-guess yourself all day long? Some days I feel outnumbered by my kids and their developmental needs...and knowing the right thing for each one. I know that I'm not perfect--and no one is, duh--but I want to do an excellent job at this motherhood thing and, well, today was really hard.

One fantastic thing about my day: surprise visit from SK and family on their way home from Mexico! I have cute pictures of the kids with Sophia that I'll have to post later...nap time is over!

Happy Weekend!

I AM SO PROUD

Jack wrote his name for the very first time last night! He's been able to write a "J" for awhile now, and then last night he suddenly wrote an "A" and then a "C" without any help. But he kept writing "J-A-C-A," so we worked on the "K" for awhile and he finally got it! I was so excited, and he was THRILLED. We then proceeded to write out the entire alphabet; I was sure he would get bored and want to stop but he just kept going. When we got to "W" he said to Eric, "Almost done, Daddy!" After we wrote our "Z" a few times, which took some time, he said, "Letters so fun, Mommy!"

I am not one of those moms that has been banging this over his head, but he has become more and more fascinated with it recently. And I admit...the teacher side of me was even more excited than the mom side. I started to day dream about getting him one of those little drawing books with the letters at the top of the page, and then I suddenly stopped. He's only three and half, for crying out loud.