Just wanted to apologize for all the complaining from last week. (I should have been restricted from coming near the computer, considering the state we were in!) As a peace offering I've provided cute pictures of my baby girl (learning to use a big girl spoon!) to hopefully convince you to return to our blog without fearing you'll find a self-pitying, whiny rant from an overworked, overtired, underpaid (ha!) mom. Even if that's what I am, I'm seeking a new attitude (see below).
We're all better now, except for a terrible cold that Ellie has, but compared to last week we feel great. I finally took Jack to the doctor to check his hydration, because he was refusing to drink for such long periods of time. They said he has a stomach "bug" that's going around up here, and that kids were out in large numbers in the schools. Friends of mine with school-aged kids said they missed a whole week, with exactly the same symptoms as Jack (throwing up, high fever for four days straight, and no appetite). So I was relieved on the one hand to hear that we were not alone. But it didn't make it a whole lot easier to deal with at home. His fever finally broke Friday during his nap--he woke up with a sweat-soaked shirt, and his skin finally felt normal again. He started asking for food and actually using real words and even played a little bit. Welcome back, baby!
After my early morning post on Friday (which I realize was annoyingly whiny) I did finally get to a "better place" in my heart (thanks to your comment, Andrea, that convicted and encouraged me to seek Christ despite all my earthly complaints!). One thing that really helped me was a quote I remembered from a recent read in some Beth Moore book, where she said, "We can change the way we think, and that will change the way we feel." In other words, so many of our feelings stem from our thinking, from the thoughts we entertain or dwell on, whether they be positive or downright depressing or despairing.
I also thought of that verse in 2 Corinthians 10 about taking our thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ, and how she (Beth) clarifies this as, "Thinking the thoughts of Christ toward a person or situation." So I began to try and think about my "situation," with all the lack of sleep (and physical discomfort of being almost 8 months pregnant), and the whiny, whiny kid, and the loneliness I struggled with as Eric was working so late. I tried hard to find some Scripture (i.e. Christ's thoughts) to help me get new perspective, and the one that I kept coming back to is the familiar one in Romans 5:3-5:
"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
I know it might sound lame to even label what I was going through as "suffering," but stay with me for a minute. I sure FELT like I was suffering. I was beaten down physically, emotionally, and probably spiritually as well, seeing as how I hadn't been seeking the Lord other than to offer somewhat self-centered prayers of, "Help me!" So as I looked for Scripture on suffering, it made me think of friends that we have who are truly in places of great suffering--mourning the loss of a loved one, or fighting lengthy infertility battles, or dealing with chronically sick children, or living day to day with tremendous physical pains--friends who continue to persevere and have faith in the midst of these incredibly hard situations. It made my "suffering" seem so small in comparison. I know that all kind of hardship is valid to a point, but at the same time it helped me--by changing my thinking--to not feel so full of despair or hopelessness to consider the scale of my current situation.
At the same time, this verse encouraged me to keep plugging along, and to realize that ANY type of suffering, no matter how big or small, gives us the opportunity to "build our muscles" spiritually and allow Christ to grow endurance and perseverance in us, ultimately building our character to be more like His and enlarging our hope and faith.
I admit that I still struggled through the day--struggled to be kind and patient in my responses to the constant whining and grumpiness, tended toward massive complaining, and battle self-pity. A lot. Then at one point during the day Ellie was pulling all the books off the bookshelf and she toddled over and handed me "The Dangerous Duty of Delight" by John Piper. I have never read it, but as I thumbed through it I found a chapter labeled, "Pursuing Pleasure Undermines Pride and Self-Pity." Hm. Self-pity? I found this quote to be quite enlightening,
"The nature and depth of human pride are illuminated by comparing boasting to self-pity. Both are manifestations of pride. Boasting is the response of pride to success. Self-pity is the response of pride to suffering... Boasting is the voice of pride in the heart of the strong. Self-pity is the voice of pride in the heart of the weak. Boasting sounds self-sufficient. Self-pity sounds self-sacrificing. The reason self-pity does not look like pride is that it appears to be so needy. But the need arises from a wounded ego. It doesn't come from a sense of unworthiness, but from a sense of unrecognized worthiness. It is the response of unapplauded pride."
Wow. That hit me smack between the eyes. How much had I grumbled and felt sorry for myself, wanting others (anyone who would listen!) to recognize the hardships I was facing and all that I was giving of myself? Even as I recognized my "sufferings" as possibly producing endurance, I continued to desire recognition of my "worthiness" as I endured and persevered. Sounds so ugly to write it out like that, but it's the truth. Plain, 'ole pride strikes again.
(This line of thinking also made me think of another Beth Moore quote, about how self-pity is still a form of self-worship just as much as pride, because we are so focused on our SELF.)
So all of these "new thoughts" combined, about suffering, pride and self-pity, blessed me tremendously and helped me to refocus my thoughts, to keep fighting against my desire to wallow in self-pity and rather to focus on Jesus, and all He is to me, and all He has done for me, and all He is to my children, and so on. It was still hard, yes. I was still tired, yes. I still got frustrated with the whining (oh, did I mention the whining?), yes. But I felt my heart beginning to change as my thinking was redirected, and it felt so good. I hope this trend continues.
3 comments:
Anka, my dear Anka...
Not that I am encouraging you to whine, per se...BUT...if you DO feel like you need to vent a horribly frustrating week over the space of a few measly paragraphs...where can you do that if not your own journal?!
I am truly glad- nay, thrilled that you have, through scripture, literature, and encouragement, managed to evolve your attitude from where it was.
I was privileged enough to do several of Beth Moore's studies at the west campus of Second Baptist Church in Houston, TX. Beth herself led them, which made it very special as I was already a huge fan of hers. Two things she said in particular have stuck like glue over the years...this first one has nothing to do with your current situation but I'll share it for anyone else who might need to hear it right at this moment-
During the "Breaking Free" study (the FIRST time she ever lead that study- I hear it has changed enormously; this was in 1999) she said that she noticed how Christians were always talking about "following their hearts". She looked each of us, over forty women, in the eye...and she said "Listen to me, ladies. My life would have been so much easier if someone had taken me by the shoulders and said 'YOU CAN FOLLOW YOUR HEART...STRAIGHT INTO THE PIT OF HELL'"
She gave a marvelous talk about our "heart thoughts" vs. our "Christ-centered thoughts"...and for many people, had them realize for the first time that they are not the same thing.
Okay, moving on. The second thing I recall with such clarity I often think of or "pray" when remembering you & Eric in my prayers. Beth Moore was giving a special talk for twenty-five hand picked "MOPS" (you know, mothers-of-preschoolers) ...women who really had a lot on their plate- spouse recently passed away or was critically ill, child was critically ill, husband/provider recently lost job, etc. All different kind of "rock and hard place" circumstances. Beth prepared a special offshoot of Breaking Free just for this group of women.
During the Q&A, a woman whose husband had been demoted at work (thereby causing them to struggle financially to a pretty severe degree) started to sob and said that when she calls a friend or church member to vent, she feels so incredibly convicted about it instantly- even when it makes her feel better and was obviously what she needed psychologically.
Beth told her to close her eyes and picture Jesus on the cross...try to imagine how those wounds must have felt...the seconds that must have literally felt like hours...and then open your eyes and look at your own circumstances. Beth said this was a twofold application: one, you realize that your circumstances are not that bad. And two, she told the woman that Jesus did not just die so that murderers and thieves and abusers could be saved. He died so that murderers and thieves and abusers could be saved and so that little lady sitting down there in MOPS could freely express her frustration and inner criticisms all the while knowing that even this tiny transgression was covered in advance by Jesus' blood.
Beth told her that if we DON'T vent our frustrations and shortcomings to a trusted ear and soul, they build up in our hearts and become very fertile fodder for the enemy to take root and thrive.
I know you know this- but again, for anyone ELSE out there...she wasn't saying "whine free for all! whine, whine, all the time!"...she was saying that sometimes life is hard...and sometimes you might have a literal physical and emotional NEED to "vent".
If you need to vent, hon...vent! We're all here for you- family, your friends, people like me who've never even met you but dearly love your family already via my tangential connection to Eric in high school...and who knows who else. But many, many pairs of ears that will be sympathetic and understanding even if there's a week where you need to just let out all the "ugly" every day of the week.
Your husband is a wonderful man and your children are beautiful, stunning examples of the gifts God blesses His faithful with...and you are a gorgeous, talented woman and certainly one of the best mothers I have ever seen, bar none...your faithful teacher's heart is evident in even the tiniest dealings with your children.
HOWEVER...on a day when Eric is working late, Jack decides to see if he can make the houseplant turn into a beanstalk by peeing on it, and Ellie decides to make herself a spaghetti hat-and-bib ensemble...trust me, it's more than okay to vent your frustrations.
I remember during that talk Beth gave, a chief concern among so many women seemed to be that people would think they were "ungrateful" for their children if they ever complained about them or their behaviors. Beth just laughed and said "honey, if we didn't complain about our kids then we'd alllll be in padded rooms right about now!" She then said "people know how you feel about your children because that wide-open, would throw-yourself-in-front-of-a-train to save them kind of love can't be hidden away or closed off. It's just...there. People know it and more importantly, the kids know it...even if they got spanked or squalled at that day.
Sorry for the novella, sweets...you know it's just because I care!
PS- Hey...surely I must be wrong...could you already be thirty weeks pregnant...and not graced your loyal readers with one single "belly" photo?! I *must* be wrong! (hint hint hint) Come on...you always look so darling pregnant! Let's see the l'il pumpkin!
Me again- sorry. I was going to email this to you but I lost your address.
Something I do that has an added bonus of making me REALLY put my own "problems" into perspective- I participate in "MACS"...aka, "Make A Child Smile".
MACS urges people all over the world to send a card, letter, or small gift to a critically and often terminally ill child. It's totally aboveboard- the kids are screened vigorously because in the beginning people actually *lied* about having sick kids...(UGH)...anyway, the point is to get these kids dozens and dozens of letters and cards every day- you remember how you just ADORED mail when you were a kid? Well, this is something that only takes a small portion of time, a VERY small portion of money (the price of a stamp!) and leaves a true "heartprint" somewhere in this needy world.
There are three featured kids each month, but they urge you to go through the previously featured kids and write to as many as you can. Your kids can draw pictures for them...and especially for the older kids (age 13 & up), they LOVE getting "real" letters...you know, not just a "get well, we're thinking of you", but an actual correspondence that asks them questions and tells them about you.
Like I said...not only are you doing real, tangible good in a world that needs it, but MACS has never failed to make me take stock of my own life with a gracious, shuddering sigh.
The stories of these children are so very hard to read, but they deserve to be heard. If you are so inclined, pass the link on...your parents, sister, etc...anyone you can think of. Some of these kids literally can't remember what it's like not to be ravaged by cancer or a genetic disease...and we can help them by doing such a small thing.
The url is
http://makeachildsmile.org/
Each child has a PO Box usually provided free of charge by Mail Boxes Etc or a similar place. The "featured kids" tend to get hundreds of things a day, so I like to go through the last few months of "previous kids" who are still dealing with sickness but whose mail has tapered off drastically.
Again, sorry for being so long-winded! This project is close to my heart and knowing that you have such a loving and charitable heart, I thought you would like to know about the web site. E-mail if you have any questions.
(elizabeth_adkisson@eml.cc)
Annika, I don't doubt that you were experiencing genuine hardship during the kiddo's sickness, and I'm so glad that the Lord used it to teach you such valuable lessons! Thanks for sharing...
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