An ode to Kleenex

Each day I walk down the hallway in our little apartment, and there it sits: the six-pack of Kleenex that we purchased from Costco a few weeks ago. At the time it seemed like a reasonable purchase; we feel like we are always running out and never have any stored in our home. Those of you who shop at Costco or Sam's or any other bulk-items store will no doubt understand the dilemma we face each time we peruse the aisles: sure, we could use that, and sure it's a great price, but where in the world will we keep it?

Our recent move has brought us to a very small apartment space in Naperville. I am thankful for a home, with heat in the winter and air in the summer, and I also like the location. However, I am running out of space to put things. Some days I feel like the walls are closing in, and I am going to go crazy!

So this brings us back to the jumbo size box of Kleenex. Ever since we brought it home I have been wondering where to put it, what closet I could stuff it into, what shelf I could stack it on. I thought about separating the pieces and stuffing them in different places, but then I undoubtedly would forget where I put them all.

The past week has been crazy busy and I've been running from one thing to the next; my mind is on hair appointments, phone calls to track down a friend's famous punch recipe, trips to the craft store for more ribbon for something wedding-related, doctor's appointments, grocery store runs, packing for Europe, laundry for the wedding downtown and for Europe....ug. Sometimes I have the TV on in the living room and if I sit down for more than a minute I find myself just staring with my mouth open--it's kind of pathetic, really.

Then two days ago we had a big rain storm (thank God--we needed rain so badly!) and a water main broke outside our apartment. So there was a huge flood of water and mud outside our entry and we could not get in; of course the work order we put in a few months ago about fixing the BACK door was never fulfilled; so now we couldn't get to the door that works, and the door we can reach doesn't open. Hm. (Eric climbed through the bushes to get to the front door--what a smart husband I have!)

Then we found out that our water was turned off. No dishes, no laundry, no bathroom, no showers, no baby bottles, no badly need water for nursing Mommy. Another hm. When it was turned on again, we were told not to drink it...but then didn't hear back about when it would be safe again! So now dishes are piling up

Today as I walked down my hallway I noticed that it now contains piles of laundry, a growing bag of things to take to Europe, a Pack N Play in its storage bag, a old fan (??), and, ah yes, the Kleenex. It's as if every time I look at it there is another tally mark etched in my mind--53 times you've walked by and haven't found a place for the enormous Kleenex box. My heart sunk when I looked at it tonight as I made my way to bed, because I realized that it represented to me all the things that I'm NOT getting done in the midst of all the other things going on in our life right now. I said to myself, "It's such a small task! How can you not find the time to put away the Kleenex????"

I realize that I am extremely tired and running very low on energy these days, so I'm sure that didn't help my perspective any. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that this lovely, flower covered stumbling block actually points to an issue that I have struggled with for a long time: MAKING TO DO LISTS.

Don't get me wrong--I know that lists are helpful and useful and practical and that's one reason I make them. But I am realizing more and more that it has become my way of trying to contol life, knowing what and how I will get something done, or how my day will unfold. I make lists about who to call, and then organize them by most important. I make grocery lists after inventory-ing the fridge and pantry and then organize my list by section/aisles of the grocery store (I know--sad!). I make lists of those to whom I need to write letters or thank you notes. I make lists of who to send baby announcements to, sorted by both sides of our family, our parents' friends, church friends, work friends, college friends, high school friends and neighborhood friends. I make a list for all the things I want to accomplish in the next day, the next week, and the next few months. (anyone think I spend more time making lists than I do getting anything done? I do!!)

The problem lies in that when I don't get the things on my list crossed of, and thus accomplished, I feel an intense sense of dissatisfaction, even failure. And as the days go on and I get more and more behind in my "to-do's", I just feel worse about it.

The Kleenex box hasn't ever made a list thus far; no, it represents another category--the "to-do" things that I forget to put on my list! This group drives me even more crazy! And with all of this craziness--I get a headache and can't even figure out where to start...thus nothing gets done and I feel bad.

In thinking about this tonight and even now as I'm writing I feel like God is using this dumb Kleenex road block to turn my face away from all my busy-ness, away from my "to-do's", away from my feelings of unproductivity. I feel strongly convicted of using these tasks and lists as a control factor