The Goodness of Motherhood

You know those days when everything goes right—when you get everything done on your to-do list, when someone lets you turn in front of them in traffic out of the goodness of their hearts, when you get the job you applied for, when—at the end of the day—with a comfortably full stomach you sit down in a clean living room (with a cleaned-up kitchen one room over) with a cup of tea next to an open window, watching the sunset and listening to the final bird songs floating in? Those are good days. That heart-satisfaction, or peace within, that reminds you that things will be okay, life is not so bad, that you are actually happy to be where you are right at that moment.

That’s how I feel right now.

Although, I must say, it wasn’t exactly an “everything-goes-right” day. Jack, Ellie, and I are all sick; poor Ellie has it the worst, with a bad ear infection and subsequent yeast infection from the antibiotics. Which means she’s up for hours on end at night, crying and fussing, either at her sore ears, throat, or horrible diaper rash (that actually started to bleed tonight). She’s cried so much this week that she’s actually gone hoarse! Today she was so miserable that when she wasn’t sleeping she only wanted to be held and/or fed by me. That always makes for an exhausting day. Add to the mix that Eric has been working crazy overtime shifts this weekend (i.e. gone ALL day until 11pm) due to graduation at the college, so it’s been me, solo, with the kids for the past few days. Then add in that we just moved, so I cannot find anything I need when I need it, and everything is in disarray. Tonight I tried to make dinner, which took me two hours because I had to alternate holding Ellie, letting Ellie cry and scream while I attended to Jack’s dinner, holding Ellie, letting Ellie scream while I cut up vegetables, putting Ellie in the backpack carrier while I cut up more vegetables, only to have my hair yanked and pulled on (to which I kept yelling, “OUCH!” which coincidentally happens to be Jack’s newest word…so every time I yelled “ouch” he would laugh hysterically and then yell, “Oussss!”)…

Since we’re in our new kitchen it takes me about four tries until I get the right cabinet or drawer to find whatever I’m looking for; yesterday at lunch I burned two different meals because I couldn’t figure out which knob went to which burner, nor could I get my hands on a utensil to STIR the burning food. I ended up in tears and settled for Cup O’ Noodles (Sorry, honey!).

I didn’t burn anything tonight, thankfully, but instead knocked over a precious bottle of dried rosemary, my favorite herb, and lost about half of it down the kitchen sink as I was hurrying to finish chopping carrots, catch Jack before he wiped his squash-covered hands all down his shirt, and once again rescue my miserable daughter from her diaper torture. When Eric walked in the door I was on the floor in the kitchen cleaning a smooshed strawberry out of the kitchen carpet, because for some reason, after our salad was all prepared, I decided it would be nice to have strawberries on our salad tonight.

The reason I’m expelling all of this is not from a need to vent, as was my last post. Rather, it is so that you will better understand the depth of what I’m about to share. Tonight after dinner, after Ellie was finally in bed, Jack was sitting with just his diaper on, playing with his toys, when all of a sudden he noticed that Eric and I were watching him. He giggled, and I swear it was the most precious sound I’ve heard in a long time. We then took turns chasing him up and down the hallway, pretending that we had almost caught him by reaching out and poking him in the bare shoulder or leg as he ran, which only spurned his glee and excitement. Oh, the laughter! We hid around corners, popped out yelling, “AHHHH!” in our scariest voices, tackled and tickled each other. Throughout it all Jack just giggled uncontrollably. I’m sure that every parent cherishes the sound of THEIR child’s laugh; but I personally think my son has an especially precious and contagious laugh. I cannot HELP but smile or laugh when I hear him going on, and just the sound alone is enough to completely erase all the hard events from earlier in the day. Whoever said that laughter is the best medicine…well, I certainly wouldn’t underestimate that theory. I feel energized, uplifted, and I find myself walking around with a smile on my face, even now that bedtime has come and gone and both kids are now quietly sleeping.

How I love my children. Perhaps it is the way he makes me laugh. Or how tonight we discovered his library books laid out in the floor in a row, from smallest to largest. Maybe it is her smile, or dimples, or the way she greets me so excitedly with flailing arms and kicking legs when I come to get her from her nap. Maybe it is the way he’s learning his letter sounds, and how when we’re driving I hear him behind me in his car seat going, “Tuh tuh tuh. Wuh wuh wuh” as he sees various letters on signs. Sometimes it’s watching the two of them interact, and the fact that the person she laughs the most for (or at) is her older brother. Other times it’s the smell of her skin as she snuggles under my chin. Some days it’s in spite of the crying. Other days, it’s because of the crying, because I know that he or she is in pain, or is hurt, or doesn’t understand and I just want to make it better. Whatever it is…whatever the mystery that makes a mother’s love so profound and unexplainable…it’s there. And it grows every day. Even on the not-so-great days.

So tonight I felt I had to share (since all of you begged so nicely for the “Benefits” of my job!) so that maybe you can understand, those of you out there in blogland who so kindly keep up with our family life, that the joy in our children is so much more powerful than the tantrums, and the daunting multi-tasking (that I always feel I’m failing at) of stay-at-home-mom-hood, the poop-explosions and long nights without sleep. There’s something about their joy and laughter that just makes it all worth it.

I imagine it was meant to be this way, as the relationship of parent-child is an image of our relationship with God. For, can you imagine Him even wanting us in His world, with all the tantrums we throw and complexities we get ourselves tangled in? How many times has He come and cleaned up OUR messes, soothed OUR hurts, held US as we cried through the night? Thankfully, He is not made in my image; therefore a night without sleep doesn’t change who He is or how He cares for me. He does not lose patience so easily and has an enduring, unfailing love that I can’t begin to understand, let alone emulate. When I think on my experience with Jack tonight, and how much his pure, innocent joy made my heart swell, I can’t help but wonder at the swelling of His heart when I rejoice and enjoy what He has blessed me with in this life, rather than whining and complaining about the hardship of it all.

So, to those of you that I worry I scared away from motherhood with my last post about my life as a mom…let me reassure you that while it is hard, while there are days you just wish you could quit, while you do feel alone and stressed and exhausted much of the time…it is a BLESSING to be able to know this joy, to be able to experience this relationship, to be the recipient of your child’s love and adoration. In all honesty, at the same time that this is one of the hardest times of my life, it’s somehow also the best part so far. And I am assured by others who have gone before me that it does get better eventually…that someday I won’t feel so unlovely-smelling, completely disorganized, and delirious from sleep-deprivation day after day. If we can get through this season in one piece, and then make it through the teenage years (gulp!) with a bit of grace and a lot of humility…then this motherhood thing will surely be one of the best things I’ve done in my life!

And tonight, well, tonight I am encouraged. I know things will be alright. Life is not so bad. And believe it or not…I am actually happy to be where I am right at this moment.